On behalf of all Dudes:
Simple tips to anyone who gives any f*cks about giving us gifts this year.
- No more ugly sweaters. We prefer food poisoning, thank you.
- We’d only wear those hideous ties in front of the judge.
- Ahem…we already buy all the damn booze we want. 365 days a year.
So now that we got that clerical $hit out of the way, here’s the Derm Dude™ list of gifts every dude wants in his sacking stuffer this year. Plus, tasteful ways to let your significant other know why these are perfect gifts for you.
So you know how I mentioned the idea of a 3-some & in turn, I got to spend that wonderful winter's night sleeping outside in the snow, almost catching hypothermia? Well, now that my sack finally thawed, Derm Dude's Deck the Balls 3-Some Gift Set would keep my balls fresh, dry & smelling amazing. Candy Cane, Pumpkin Pie & Gingerbread scents. Because great-smelling balls are a win-win!
Let's Nuke Christmas Set 💥
I know you still don't believe that the half-naked woman in daisy dukes & biker boots tattooed across my entire back is not you. (That damn new tattoo artist must have been drunk) Anyway, for some bad-ass 'ink-spiration', this Derm Dude™ Let's Nuke Christmas Set would be dope.
P.S. I almost spelled your name exactly right on my arm tattoo. 😚
Santa Dude Holiday Beard Kit 🎅
Ok, so my beard flakes landing all over you doesn’t get you hot & excited after all. And yeah, maybe your hands & face are all cut up because my beard hairs feel surprisingly similar to the jagged barbed at a Super-Max. But, hey, I can take a hint. So hook a dude up with this epic Derm Dude Holiday Beard Kit! Plus, the Accelerator Beard Oils Holiday Scented are Candy Cane & Pumpkin scented. Total Merry Sniff-mas, babe!
Happy Crack™ Refresh & Cool Spray
So I have a friend & 'he' gets a bit soggy and smelly back 'there'. Ya know, that 'not so fresh' feeling, especially by the end of the day. Anyway, this friend of mine, doesn't get many holiday gifts (maybe cause his crack reeks like Satan's breath, but whatever…). So if you can order this for ME… I'll make sure I pass it along. To my friend. The dude who actually needs it. (He says please and thank you).
Jingle Balls Dude Pack ⚾⚾
Because I’m certain your New Year’s resolution is more sex & quality naked time together (Me? Psychic? Guilty as charged!) I really think this Jingle Balls Dude Kit will be a true ball sack blessing. It even comes with that dope Amaze Balls Hat I can wear to church each week! Should you order me multiple sets?